Kat’s (soon-to-be) Famous Recipe for One Badass Holiday Season
You will need:
1 Haircut (this will cut your mother’s nagging in half)
1 Expensive-looking Holiday Outfit (so you don’t have a job, boyfriend/girlfriend, functioning shower head, or savings account. There is no need to look like the unstable, unbathed earth-muffin that you are.)
1 Foolproof exit strategy for those super tense/awkward family encounters
2 [Believable] stories about how you were awesome over the last year
1 [Believable] elated expression for when you receive the worst gift on the planet
1 Holy Bible (if there were ever a time to turn to Jesus, it would be during the holidays…because it’s his birthday….show some respect!)
1 Phone number of a Jewish friend who will be available to talk during MAJOR crisis moments (aka Christmas Day in it’s entirety)
1 Basic knowledge of meditation and/or cerebral transcendence (Remember, an emotion only lingers in your body for 1.5 minutes. The other 48 hours spent obsessing about your sister pretty much calling you fat is all in your head) Substitute: vodka.
$500 in cash distributed equally and fairly into envelopes because **SPOILER ALERT** everybody really just wants money (except for maybe your parents because the money you would be giving them would, most likely, be theirs.)
1 Real (or fake) engagement ring (you can work out the details later.)
1 Trusted friend or family member to promptly slap you in the face if you try to drunk-text your high school lover in a moment of eggnog-induced weakness
1 Gentle reminder that the holidays exist to remind us why we don’t just toss up our hands, throw in the towel and move back in with our parents.
1 Pair of contingency pants to be used in the event that you deal with strong emotions by eating EVERYTHING and no longer fit into any of your clothes
1 Decompression event planned for the post-holiday too-much-family hangover to renew your sense of self and sanity.
Mix together with a shot of good whisky and knock it back, bitches.
Here’s to a happy/equitable holiday season!