How to go to an All-Inclusive Resort and Live to Tell the Tale

Dave and I recently returned from a glorious vacation in Cancun, Mexico. I had never stayed at an all-inclusive resort before and I am happy to report that they are AWESOME. That being said, I observed a handful of ways that one can get  into a lilly-bit of trouble in such an environment. Please enjoy this little guide and party-on this holiday season!

1. Just say ‘NO’ to tequila shots.

But they are pink and delicious and free! Nope. You will pay for them the entire next day + add another day if you are over 40. The evil hangover panda is a citizen of the world and can/will follow you wherever you go.

2. Only eat 1 (ok, 2) jalapeño popper(s) per day. 

They serve these dreamy little fried pockets of cheese at every meal. Plus, it’s a buffet so you can hide as many as you want to under that suspiciously large piece of lettuce. Nothing derails a decent bikini body faster than greased up, bite-sized cheese curds. Sometimes, dear readers, less is less and more is just more (of them and you).

3. Just because you can’t see the sun doesn’t mean the SOB can’t still burn you. 

Those innocent fluffy clouds are really made of billions of little magnifying water droplets that project the rays right onto your white, overexposed ass.

4. The wildlife is still wild. 

They are just the wisest of all the wildlife because they choose to hangout at a location with unlimited food, few predators, and hundreds of sucker tourists. My future father-in-law (FFIL) learned this the hard way when he took his basket of breakfast pastries onto the porch for a phone call and ended up surrounded by twenty vicious Coatis (see image).

5. Don’t bother hitting on the staff. 

They are like strippers. They are paid to pretend to like you. Move on.

6. Beware of ‘couple friends’.

I’m not saying that you have to spend your whole trip in lip lock with your partner, I’m just saying you should choose your vacation-besties wisely. Remember that you will see them everywhere, everyday, for the entire trip. You can make her use of the word ‘literally’ into a drinking game only a few times before, even that, gets really old.

7. Scope out the public bathroom situation when you get there. 

You will be at a resort with unlimited gluten, sugar, and booze. There is not enough room in that adorable little room stall for the both of us.

8. Choose your ‘extracurricular’ activities wisely. 

My FFIL loves to fish and signed us all up for a deep sea fishing/snorkeling excursion.

Here is what my FMIL and I had in mind:

A beautiful, glistening yacht – Clean and roomy on-board bathroom – Optional fishing – Glamour sunning on the front of the boat while the boys fish off the back – Basically our 5-star resort…at sea.

Here’s what we got*:

true fishing boat – 20 foot waves that could make even the stoutest of stomachs green – A 2×2 room with a ‘toilet’, flush pump, and men’s hair everywhere – Live bait murdered in front of us with a machete while we slid around on a beer cooler/bench and trying to go to our mental happy place (which is tricky because Mexico was it before) – Blood. Everywhere. And fish guts. #imnevereatingfishagain

*Side note – Thank you Murray for taking us on this adventure! There was just too much good material there to go to waste 🙂

7. Remember your age/Who you are.

Do you hang out with 21 y.o. teenie boppers until 4AM at home? Probably not. Chances are, that phase of your life is behind you and that’s OK! There is no need to pick back up now. Nobody wants to babysit lightweight, 30-something crying-girl in the corner at 2 AM. Part of being older is being wiser, healthier, and aware of when to call it a night.

Thank you all so much for reading and I will see you in 2014!!!

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