My REAL Resume

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Today we are going to talk about resumes. How many resumes have you written and re-written in your lifetime? New and better jobs eventually replace the old ones and after a while no one even knows that you became Lead Smoothie Maker at Jamba Juice in 2005. Our resumes are expected to be concise and buzzy and, to be honest, a whole lot of BS. I have had a job since 2003 and have gained a wealth of expertise in areas that I am ‘not advised’ to exhibit on my resume. Well, what did I gain all this experience for if I can’t use it to impress the people that I went to high school with? 

Today, my friends, I have created my real resume. You want to know what I have mastered over the years? Well, just keep on reading…

Kat Short

Education //

                       University of Denver                                                                                                            2004-2010

What I started with in 2004: 

                       Bachelor’s in Vocal Performance #opera

What I ended up with in 2010: 

                        B.S.B.A – Marketing

Experience + Mastery //

   San Francisco Startup(s)

             Manager/Concierge/Event Planner/Server/Plumber/Barista/Dog-Walker                                      2012 – Present

  • I am skilled at staying awake in meetings
  • I can craft a damn good angry email
  • I pride myself on my ability to go-with-the-flow, even when it means an overnight change in role and responsibility
  • I can keep track of a LOT of receipts
  • I am getting better at remembering people’s names. You’re nothing if not your network!
  • I know what a cuddle party is (but you will never see me at one)
  • I am a master of finding and ordering office items from Amazon Prime
  • I can run up and down a flight of stairs with dirty plates and utensils without dropping them all and calling it a day (Thanks, Mike)
  • I know who Elon Musk is
  • I use Uber like I invented it
  • I can always tell who wants more wine
  • I can survive on very little income as long as you feed me
  • I will always remind you of pertinent upcoming holidays on which you should remember to call your mother
  • I know better to ask for a copy of the business plan

Medical Spa                                                                                                                                                 2012

                Marketing Manager/Patient Coordinator/ Office Therapist

  • I am proud to say that I am becoming less averse to the sight of needles and blood…. but not completely
  • I can look at someone, who should have divorced from Botox a long time ago, without flinching…very much
  • I throw one hell of a Pretty Party
  • I can sit at the front desk alone with a bowl of Jelly Beans and not eat the whole thing (for a pretty long time)
  • I pick really good stations on Pandora

Large Department Store

                 Assistant Manager/Stylist/Customer Therapist/ Stylish Individual                                                 2009-2012

  • I know what you are talking about when you say you want your outfit to be “unexpected”
  • I can camouflage a baby bump without sacrificing your personal style
  • I too agree that it’s hard to feel sexy under the fluorescent lighting in the fitting room
  • I can motivate even the most hungover employees with copious amounts of coffee and sugar
  • I can be kind and polite for HOURS
  • I can tell you all you ever wanted to know about the upkeep of cashmere
  • I frequently buy things from the store after my shift is over
  • I have a surprisingly good phone voice
  • I can handle rejection and usually don’t run to the bathroom to cry until after the customer has left the building
  • I can stand, walk and, occasionally, run in high heels for up to 5 hours. After that I am afraid I turn into a crotchety old lady and hobble around in roll-up flats while cursing the government

Summer Camp                                                                                                                                             2007,2008,2009

                  Counselor/Food Fight Instigator/Arts and Crafts Maven

  • My mind is chock-full of fun and games
  • I can handle being in a room alone with lots of kids who are realizing that they won’t see their parents again for a week
  • I can tell when someone is choking
  • I can protect you from a bear or mountain lion (in theory)
  • I only get slightly nauseous at the sight of fecal matter or urine
  • I always have one eye on the kid who is deathly allergic to peanuts
  • I know which things are supposed to be on fire and which ones are not
  • You will need me to properly lead and execute a victorious squirt-gun battle
  • I make eating vegetables really fucking fun
  • I always carry sunscreen with me, and bandaids…..and snacks
  • I pretty much never swear in front of children
  • I can put on a brave face when asked to walk a child to the bathroom .5 miles away during a mountain lion watch….. at 3 AM

Smoothie Company

                    LEAD SMOOTHIE MAKER                                                                                                            2007-2009

  • I look in the face of a lime green visor, put it on my head and make it work.
  • I am tolerant of listening to the same CD over and over again for a month. Even the Christmas Album
  • I am unfazed by a full-frontal smoothie explosion/huge mess
  • I know all the top secret smoothie recipes and will gladly give you them for $1
  • I am skilled at discouraging someone from trying a Wheatgrass Shot for the first time
  • I have been hit-on while wearing a giant banana suit
  • I have seen the repercussions of too much fiber

Thank you for reading!  What are some of your ‘special’ skills?????

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10 thoughts on “My REAL Resume

  1. This is great 🙂 Let’s see…Teacher of emotionally impaired children: I can dodge chairs and books that are being thrown while still loving and caring for the thrower. Kindergarten teacher: I can tie shoes, put on bandaids, take attendance, and sing the good morning song simultaneously. Waitress: I can smile and be polite to almost anyone, no matter how ridiculous their culinary demands. Daycare worker: well…let’s just say this skill involves poop 🙂

  2. Admiring the dedication you put into your site and detailed information you present.

    It’s nice to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same out of date rehashed information. Wonderful read!
    I’ve saved your site and I’m including your RSS feeds to my Google account.

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