The holiday season always brings out the best and the worst of everybody. Emotions are high, blood alcohol counts are high, everybody feels a little fat and, in many parts of the world, it’s fucking cold. I am sitting at the airport in Denver on one of the busiest travel days of the year watching one of the most epic meltdowns I have ever seen. This poor child is at the end of her rope. Partially because she is, literally, wearing a leash with a harness in the shape of a cow(which would make anyone a little cranky) and also because she is probably on her tenth hour of travel with her checked-out parents and sticky little sister. As I watch her dump out the contents of her moms purse and chuck various items at unsuspecting travelers while saturating the air with clarion wails, one thought enters my mind…I know exactly how she feels. This brings me to the heart of this blog post:
Things that we used to do as kids that are no longer acceptable to do as adults
1. It used to be cute to wear a onesie in public … now it’s just sad
2. Taking a nap on the floor used to be totally cool … now you might have a drinking problem
3. Strangers used to find it adorable when you would stare at them and smile…now they might walk very quickly in the opposite direction while discreetly calling the police
4. Having fat rolls on your arms and legs used to be a sign of health and happiness … now its a sign of a cronut addiction
5. Throwing things on the floor on purpose might have been an endearing game you liked to play … now you’re probably in anger management classes or a straightjacket
6. Being pushed around in a little cart swaddled in blankets may have been your preferred mode of transportation… now it probably means you are strapped to a gurney after trying the mysterious pill you found at the bottom of your purse on a flight back from Vegas
7. Ingesting random items found on the floor used to be an exciting supplement to your regular diet … now the 5 second rule is even a little gross
8. Shitting your pants used to merit an affectionate ‘oh man we’ve got a wet one!” from adults… now everyone has to evacuate the bus due to the potential biohazard in your pants
9. Flinging your food across the room used to be a mildly irritating form of entertainment … now it means that you’re about to get fired from your camp counselor job
10. Lastly, having a complete and total meltdown in the middle of Outback Steakhouse was once a public display meriting a few pitied glances and uncomfortable shuffling … now someone has posted a video of you on YouTube which has gone viral and you will forever be known as the ‘Hilariously Hangry Guy at Denny’s’
Here’s to being older, wiser and ever-so refined.
Happy holidays friends!